What You Love

Things have been so strange the past few days.  I have one cut on my right hip from a failure, blisters on my fingers from beading too much.  I need strength, but I do not know if I have it.

I do the things I love.  I dance and work on jewelry, color and read, skate and sleep.  I think about how I still love him, and don't know why he doesn't talk to me anymore, about why he never returned my message.  I wonder where I went wrong.  I dreamt of him last night, woke up so confused.  I have dates, and friends, but some days I still don't even want to leave the house.  Some days I wonder if last spring and summer were real.  I already don't remember the month of November, maybe everything else was a dream.  But I still have his hoodie and his mark on my heart, so I know it must have been real.

Where did everything go wrong?  Was it because he simply wasn't the man I thought he was?  Was it because I loved him fully and completely, but he would not let himself love me?  Is it my fault for being borderline, depressed?  Do I deserve to bear this intense guilt?

I try to leave my personal drama involving my love life out of this blog, but it's been on my mind.  I move forward so rapidly, I fall so hard, my wellness is always five leaps forward, five falls back, one hesitant move in the right direction.  My love for him makes things so complicated, confused.

I need to dance, to bead more, to finish the bracelet orders I have to do by Christmas.  I need to remember one day I'll be happy.