Cheer Up, Emo Kid

I made a mistake last night.  I was sad and hurting, and no one was awake to talk to, so I took my scissors, and I hurt myself.  It's long sleeves for awhile now, unless I want to end up in the psych ward again.  But this isn't a post about that.  I don't regret hurting myself, really.  I needed it, as horrible as that sounds.  Instead, I wanted to touch on the belief a lot of people have about cutting.

There's a permeating belief that is you cut, and talk about cutting, you're doing it for attention.  Obviously, I'm talking about it.  I'm telling you, Faceless Internet, I sat in my bed at five this morning and drug a pair of scissors over my left arm again and again and again.

But I don't care if you care.  I don't care what you think.  I'm talking about it because this is my blog, this is my life, and it's here so I can talk about hard things, about overcoming and occasionally being beaten down by depression.  It's an outlet, not an outreach.

I've mentioned the cutting on another forum, though.  I told two friends of mine this morning.  It wasn't about attention, but even if it was, a joke about "cheering up, emo kid" or "attention whore" wouldn't change it.  Even if someone is cutting for attention, does it not seem seriously wrong that someone would hurt themselves for attention?  I admit, I have cut for attention before.  I was lonely, hurting, and depressed.  It was the only way I knew to ask for help, and it didn't work.

The doctor in the psych ward suggested I was there for the attention, that I wasn't serious about hurting myself.  And trust me, I wanted to punch him.  So I don't have scars.  I'm careful about things like that--I don't cut deep, but on a bad day every part of my body that can be covered is normally marked.  "Attention" is a word thrown around a lot by people--even in people in the mental health profession.  If you seek help, you're doing it for the attention.  Occasionally you'll get a mental health professional telling you you're strong. Which is true, if you have a mental illness and you try to beat it.  Which is true, if you ask for help, even if it is by taking off your jacket in front of the right people, and showing your scars.

I had a distinct point in my mind when I began this entry, but right now I'm at a loss.  Just think about it, though, next time you want to brand someone an attention whore for their self injury:  Maybe they do want attention, but they still need help.