Connection

I can't wait until I have a camera, so I can post pictures of my jewelry here.

One of the talents I have found in myself since thing got bad, is my talent for jewelry making.  My mother wears some of the jewelry I make, and she gets so many compliments.  I've been asked for orders for bracelets, and such, and my mother entrusted me with making seven bracelets out of her mother's good pearls for myself and my female cousins.  She was going to go to a professional, but then said she thought I was more talented and creative, and she would pay me the same price.  My mother wouldn't have offered if she really didn't think so either.

Beading keeps me sane, and these seven bracelets are keeping me strong in ways I did not expect.  My grandmother died when I was in the fourth or fifth grade.  She had been the woman who had raised me while my parents worked full time.  She taught me to play solitaire, let me watch TV, played games with me.  She was kind, and I still remember her face and smile.  I did not cry at her funeral, though.  I don't remember feeling intense sadness at her loss until now.  I finished my own bracelet first, and have been wearing it since, and I am astounded at the strength it have given me, at how much I really do miss my grandmother.

This is perhaps one of the strangest realizations I have experience since my depression.  Both the realization of my own talent, and the connection I feel for the first time for someone who has passed.  In some ways I feel like this project is the only thing keeping me from cutting, and I'm worried about when it's over.  In other ways, I cannot wait until Christmas Eve, when my cousins see the bracelets.  I want to see the look on their faces.  My one cousin, G, has seen some of my work and apparently loves it.  She reminds me of myself as a middle schooler, and I think her opinion is the one that means the most to me.  I'm thinking of asking her if she wants me to teach her to bead.  She's creative and I think she'll enjoy it.

I've never felt connected to my family until now.  It's a surprising and happy experience to realize that I want to.  I feel as though I have my grandmother to thank for that.

I love you, Grandma.  Thank you for this gift, this strength, and for the time we did have together.