Last night was the first night I cried since I was released from the hospital three weeks ago. I won't get into detail why, but it was a very difficult time. I felt betrayed, and even more, I felt frustrated: Someone had the power to hurt me, and I was not strong enough to move forward. My insomnia came back full force, my chest got tight, I was pushing a "9" on the scale of anxiety, and I took a sleeping pill for a first time in days.
The book I'm reading, which is about Borderline Personality Disorder, not Major Depressive Disorder, describes BPD at one point as being like in a forest. That's an image to which I can relate. I following the pathways, but sometimes they disappear and I get deeply and thoroughly lost, and the moment I notice I'm lost I have a very hard time coping.
This morning I slept in, for the first time in two or so weeks. I didn't get out of my pajamas or even brush my hair. It took me five hours to switch on my laptop to even consider writing this post. It's frustrating to feel the depression after I had been doing so good. It's hard think of the future when the present hurts.
One of the things I have come to realize is I am getting better and better at coping, however. The problems I had prior to my hospitalization where I could not get my anxiety to pass are lessening, though. I do my beading, I color, I play some sudoku, it's all very relaxing, and even in my pajama'd state I am being more productive and confident. I might be lost in the woods, but at least I have a compass now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment