A Procclaimation of Disbelief.

I've been very sick for the past few days, which is why I haven't posted anything.

I've been feeling very lost lately, confused about where I fit in.  I've been meaning to use this blog as a chronicle of my spirituality, as well as my mental illness, so today I'll address that, I suppose.  I know this is a highly awkward way to start a blog post: "well this is what I'm going to tell you", it's the sort of thing English teachers hate, but I'm in a very awkward state right now.

Since high school I had been a practicing Asatruar (Norse Reconstructivism), but after things got legitimately bad I become an "atheist for three weeks", until shortly after my hospitalization.  Since I've been going through a spiritual reawakening, although lately it seems to hurt more than help.  It's a form of frustration--wanting to feel something more but not knowing what I believe in.

I still fall toward the more pagan spectrum, although God or Gods I don't know how I feel about.  I know I feel an intense connection to nature, but what comes from that I do not know.  Mostly, I have a deep yearning to feel more connected to the world, but it seems as though my disorders prevent me from doing that.  My depression and BPD have destroyed relationships, torn down integral parts of my world, and left me confused.  Some days I don't feel connected to myself, so I have to ask: how am I supposed to feel connected to others?

I wish so much I could have that sense of certainty in my faith.  I wish it would click and I would know, that I could carry strength from it like I used to.  But I lost the gods I used to follow, my sense of belief, and the things that used to define me.

More and more I realize, as I discuss and try to define my belief system with others, I am trying to shape myself too.