Something to Believe In

Sometimes I don't know what to believe.

I have a friend--a more-than-a-friend, really; I guess that's what you call someone you accidentally sleep with--who is a staunch atheist.  It makes me scared to speak of what I believe.  Like when I'm with him my lips become sewn shut and I have to hide like he's going to bring the witch trials to my door.  I don't know what I am, not I know what I'm not.  I know I'm not this, quiet and meek and ashamed of my beliefs.  But something about him nurtures that fear that I'm a fool for this.

I am not a witch, but I believe in magic.  I have spirit guides, and a spirit totem.  Sometimes I don't think I'm joking when I call myself a faery.  I don't know if I believe in gods or god, but I know there's something more.  There's an afterlife here, there is magic here, there is truth somewhere in nature.  I have tarot cards, and I believe they work if you use them right.  I have runes.  When I meditate I feel like I have wings, and I think there has to be more than this.  There must, there must, there must.

I feel like I don't live in the real world; like I have spent so much time wrapped in fantasy I have become lost.  I am mentally ill, but I don't have delusions.  This isn't a delusion, and if it is I don't want it to stop.  I'd rather slip into my own world of magic and fae and spiritual beliefs than nothing.  I don't know how someone can believe in nothing.

I mean, isn't it indefinitely and painfully sad to be that alone?